Speeches1

These are representative of the types of comments I received following a speech I gave at a Russian Language Course graduation ceremony at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California in December 2004. Based on the audience response while I was speaking, I didn't think I had done very well. I use a lot of humor in my speeches and laughter is my real-time validation that people are enjoying themselves. The number of comments I get, or don't get, after leaving the stage and milling about are my real measure of success.

After the ceremony I came off the stage and mingled with the graduates and their families. I resisted the temptation to bolt. I was not pleased with my performance during the speech. I didn't think I had connected with the audience, so the good feedback I was getting kind of surprised me. The graduation venue seated 200 and it seemed to be nearly full that day. I noticed a few people work their way across the room, intent on making over to where I was, to say something positive. To get a couple of positive comments from a group that size would have been good but I got half a dozen that day. I was feeling good when I walked out.

Once safely in my car, where no one could see me, I commenced the "sky-punching-seated-dance-of-glee" and wondering who I could tell who would appreciate the significance of this to me. At first I could only think of one person but eventually everyone who knew me learned of my "big break" in the world of public speaking.

Thank you for your reply. We got home late last night. Woke up to about an inch of snow and single digit temps on top of about a 25 mile an hour north wind. Sure miss Monterey! Concerning your questions, I am superintendent of schools in a pre K-8 school district in the south suburbs of Chicago. In addition I am on various directing boards for professional organizations. I would be interested in using you as a keynote speaker either at our Opening Institute for my staff (approx. 165 employees) or at a future date in 2005-06 for a Group called the Northern Illinois Superintendents Roundtable and Study Group. I will become President of that group in July of 2005. We have over 400 members and usually get 75-125 School Superintendents in attendance. Ideas could be based on the importance of leadership within organizations that impact young people, how language can be used to motivate for the purpose of effective leadership or your experience with helping to educate young men and women toward a common goal... I think our possibilities could be limitless if we put our heads together to find more commonalities. Your audience would be professional educators from both the classroom and central office. I will type more later. Need to get ready for church

exposure has value to me as well. I suppose if I'll be required to take any leave hours from work I should seek that value at $28/hr but that may be an expense by definition. If you insist on further compensation then perhaps a plane ticket for my wife to accompany me. I imagine she'd like to go. She's not much of a socialite but might enjoy relaxing in the hotel room.

Hope you and your family had a nice Christmas! Based on what you told me, I am sure we can come to a mutual agreement on a contract for your presentation. One that also includes getting your wife up here so she can spend some time in Chicago! I will forward the tentative financial parameters for your consideration within the next week. Please book Thursday May 5, 2005 to present to The Northern Illinois Superintendents Roundtable and Study Group. We should have 100 to 200 in attendance. The group consists mainly of School Superintendents from northern Illinois. Average age somewhere around 50, relatively conservative but able to appreciate a good joke! This will be our retirement luncheon where we honor our retiring superintendents within our group. Since you are a recently retired "leader" I thought one possible idea for your presentation could be something along the lines of "the view of the world through the eyes of a leader who no longer has anyone to lead"! This is just one idea. I think there are also some possibilities in the fact that we all at one time have had an impact on young people and their development, you through educating them in the ways of the military and us in educating them in the world of academia! Or whatever else you would like to develop as a presentation! Your call! Thanks Ed. Look forward to working with you. Happy New Year! Take care...

Good suggestions on the topic. That's something I can work with quite well. The date's clear too. The suggestion about my wife traveling with me is not that important and I only mentioned it in case you felt obligated to compensate me. I'm going to enjoy this opportunity to prepare and deliver something to an "external" audience.

some reference to them in my talk? Will there be any secondary school superintendents there? Are there topics, issues or events of interest locally to school superintendents and administrators that I might be able to weave into my presentation? Are there any Filipino superintendents in the organization? I know there is a large population of them in that general area. I never know until I get into the writing what direction things will take and what references will prove valuable so anything else you can think of might be of use.

I will have to get you the info on the retirees. Don't have that list finalized as of yet. I will also forward some info on topics that we deal with on a regular basis. I am not sure where you got the Filipino data but it is not a group that has a high amount of representation in the area or in the profession. We are pretty much dominated by WASP males. The minorities that would be increasing would be African Americans and Females. More Later. Take care...

Just wanted to touch base. Hope all is well. Go ahead and book your flight. I will reimburse. Let me know if your wife will be joining you. Reimbursement will occur once everything is complete. Let me know though once you are booked and what the cost of the flight will be. You can fly into either O'Hare or Midway. I prefer Midway. It is a little closer and less congested.

Got it! There is an Embassy Suites right down the road from the Carlisle. It is in Lombard, Illinois on 22nd Street. I will reimburse for all reasonable ground and air transportation, food, lodging for you and include an honorarium for $750. Does that meet with your approval? One of the topics that is driving Superintendents crazy is the No Child Left Behind Federal legislation. Superintendents also are always real concerned about their Boards of Education. That is the 7 member board that we answer to on a minute by minute, hourly, daily, weekly or monthly (depending on your BOE ) basis! That is a relationship that is never dull! I will have more information on the retirees within a month or two. Hope all is well. It started snowing here last Friday night and stopped Sunday morning! When it was all over we had about 18 inches of snow where I live! Welcome to Chicago in the winter time! Oh well... Take care...

Happy Valentines Day! Have not heard from you lately. I just wanted to touch base and make sure all our terms were OK with you. Our date is still on for May 5, 2005 in Lombard, Illinois. If so, did you need any help with the hotel or any other accommodations? Thanks. Let me know. Take care...

lot of research trying to cut expenses. I've been swamped at work the last two weeks and haven't concluded my arrangements. Marriott Suites is $109 per night but their shuttle to Carlise is sketchy. Embassy Suites is $152 but their shuttle to the Carlise is reliable. The flights I've decided on are United 620 San Jose to O'Hare on the 4th and return United 559 on the 6th. O'Hare to Lombard taxis are $33 through the hotels if arranged in advance. Parking in San Jose will be $45 for the three days but that's a lot cheaper than flying out of Monterey. I could use as much inside information on the audience as you can provide. I've done a fair amount of work on my presentation but I'd like the audience information to weave in as I go. What school(s) or system do you represent? I intend to acknowledge you somewhere in there.

I'd like a gauge on how far to push the humor/propriety envelope in my speech. I don't intend to get crude, but I'd like to know if I'm on safe ground with the passage below. This is a few lines from my presentation where I've been referring to short attention spans and how my students need to do four hours of homework every night here at DLI:

There is something that characterizes young, high mentally quick people. Do you know what they're going to spend four hours on? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. With the possible exception of sex and video games. And despite what they think, we all know how unrealistic four hours of sex is, particularly at their age. Us old dogs can sometimes consider that, particularly given the recent advances in pharmaceuticals

Oh my God! This is perfect! They will love it! This is a fun group who works under stressful conditions. At this event and at this time of the year we appreciate a good sense of humor! Well over 90% of the audience will be 50 something males. Also, I will be sending you the "retirement plans" sheet from our retirees. It may give you some material. P.S. Please let me know the cost of your wife's ticket. Thanks. Take care... Sorry it has taken so long to reply. I just concluded Union negotiations with my teachers. I have been somewhat preoccupied. Do you have a Fax # because I have data sheets on the retirees, thought you might get some us out of them. Thanks! Take care...

Edward Cahoon is the Security Manager for the Air Force at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. He retired from the Air Force in 2004 as a Chief Master Sergeant with nearly 30 years of service. His last Active Duty position was as Superintendent for 1,500 Air Force Students at the Defense Language Institute. Ed grew up in Harwich, Cape Cod, Massachusetts, and entered the Air Force in May 1975. His Air Force experience included fourteen years of various duties in electronics maintenance, ten years in Human Resources and five years as Defense Language Institute Superintendent. His assignments included three bases in California, and one in Texas. Ed also served overseas in the Philippines and the Azores, and deployed to Saudi Arabia in support of operations Desert Storm. Other significant deployments included War Game exercises in Korea, nuclear waste clean-up at Enewetak Atoll and emergency mission support on Wake Island. He holds degrees in Electronics, Human Resources, and Psychology.

I was enrolled in a legal studies program at a local college using my GI Bill entitlements. To collect full benefits required me to meet the full-time criteria of four classes per semester. The speaking engagement was scheduled before the semester would end and I needed to figure out a way to prepare and practice a 45 to 60 minute speech and do it while working and going to school full-time.

For a time I toyed with the idea of the subject of "Choices" for the speech, indicating how the life we lead is determined by the choices we face, and make, in life. But when I got the fact sheets from the retirees I realized that everyone, in my audience of potentially 125 people, was a PhD. These were people who had obviously exercised some intelligent choices in their lives and the retirees obviously had spent a working life doing so.

I needed a new subject for my presentation and had to get it fleshed out pretty quickly if I was going to meet my goal of memorizing it completely for delivery in about six weeks. You'll read the complete text of the speech shortly but I built it incorporating large pieces of other speeches I had given before. I was taking humorous bits of those other speeches and trying to intelligently weave them into a broader subject matter.

I did hours of research on the Internet about the No Child Left Behind Act and Title 1 Funding to try to relate my comments to that. That proved to be less than exciting so I simply inserted a few references to them in the speech. The references didn't go over quite as well as Joe felt they might.

I spent so much time on the preparation of the speech that I eventually concluded that I was only going to earn about 25 cents an hour for my efforts but the experience would be worth more than money. As the speech took shape I videotaped myself presenting it several times so I could take a more critical look at it. I eventually cut it down from over 90 pages to about 30, in the double-spaced format I use to write speeches.

In subsequent telephone conversations with Joe he advised that I be prepared with fliers or something to hand out to people who might want to employ me at future events. I finally settled on business cards that would direct people to my web site, then I redesigned my website to make it look more serious and business-like.

Since Joe sent me the retirement plans of most of the retirees, I worked them into my speech and Joe told me he would schedule me to speak right after lunch and before they honored the retirees; to have the fun precede the serious issue of retirement. Probably a good idea had he stuck to the plan.

For the flight out to Chicago I brought along William F. Buckley Jr.'s autobiography I had been maintaining next to my toilet and reading at about 3 pages a day for several months. Airplanes lull me to sleep faster than a sermon so I took my stay-awake medication upon boarding the airplane and made tremendous progress on the book on the way to Chicago. I am completely opposed to Mr. Buckley's politics, he being a confirmed Conservative and long-time editor of the conservative National Review magazine, as well as the host of the Firing Line television show. I only heard him speak on television a couple of times when he was a guest on a talk show or something but I always admired his vocabulary and his precise use of it. I had previously read several of his books about transoceanic sailing and loved them for his exquisite writing and the fact that he would send me reaching for my dictionary every couple of pages or so. As we touched down in Chicago his autobiography was starting to cover the subject of public speaking so I was looking forward to the return flight and the opportunity to learn about his experiences doing that.

The lunch was scheduled for eleven o'clock but Joe said he would be there about ten. I arrived at nine-thirty and checked out the room. The podium was already set up and workers were setting the tables. There were places set for 125. The room felt uncomfortably warm already in my suit. I wondered if it would get much warmer when the room was full of people. It would.

Joe arrived on time and we exchanged small-talk. He asked me if I had a copy of my bio that he could use to introduce me because he had forgotten the one I had sent in his office. I told him I didn't and suggested he just introduce me based on what he already knew about me. Mistake number one.

As the attendees starting arriving I took a seat in the lobby at the reception table where the stick-on name tags were arranged. I figured I could watch people take their name tags and identify, in advance, the people I would be talking about in my speech. I managed to do that for most of them and was later able to locate them in the dining room during the meal. I had written instructions to myself on my script to locate and point out people in the audience but I reasoned that, by knowing what they looked like, I could look directly at them when speaking about them. I thought they would be entertained by my foreknowledge of them, particularly since I had not been individually introduced.

During lunch Joe leaned over and said, "While everyone's eating dessert I'll get started with the formal part, then we'll honor the retirees and then you'll speak." I didn't try to remind him that we had agreed to have me go first and finish with the serious portion. Mistake number two.

Joe did exactly as he said and called each retiree up and presented them with a token for their years of service. His assistant on the microphone even started to read the comments submitted by the first retiree until Joe interrupted her and said, "No, we're not going to read that now, our guest speaker will be going over that." So obviously he had not prepared in advance for this event. Having each retiree up on stage to be introduced was gutting an integral portion of my comments and blowing all my preparation getting to know everyone by sight. I mean, how remarkable was I going to look now referring to people in the audience when they had all been paraded in front for everyone to identify? I couldn't think of a way to modify that portion of my presentation "on the fly" so I resolved to read it as I had written it and hope for the best. Mistake number three.

Joe tried his best to give me a long and proper introduction. I really wanted him to keep it simple and was kind of glad he had forgotten to bring my rather long bio with him because I had submitted it with my degrees listed before I knew all of the attendees were Doctors of Philosophy and probably wouldn't be impressed with my resume'. He did mention that I was one of the best speakers he had ever heard and referred to me as a "retired Air Force officer."

I have put the original text of my script in what follows. I have put amplifying comments into parenthesis. I had not had time to memorize it yet but by this time I was pretty familiar with the script and I didn't refer to it very often. Occasionally I would say a sentence using completely different words but conveying the same thought. I have not indicated that any way here, preferring to let you read it the way I had it written. Also I must point out that "(crickets)" indicates areas where the audience was totally silent when I expected at least some form of reaction from them, usually laughter.

Thanks Joe Majchrowicz for inviting me today. Thanks for the promotion too. I'm actually a retired enlisted man. (crickets) If there's anyone here who doesn't know Joe he's from Sunnybrook School District 171. I'm told that's really important Okay, he told me that's really important (good laugh good start)

Before I get started I really need to share a short filler I read in United's in-flight magazine on my flight out here yesterday. I notice these don't say "complimentary" on them any more. Does that make me a thief? I'll put it back on the plane tomorrow. Of course that will be a different plane. Imagine the flight attendant's confusion when they take inventory. (I cupped the microphone with both hands to make it sound like an exaggerated voice on an airplane PA system) "We have one too many Hemispheres on board." "All passengers must deplane." "Increase threat level to read." "Call out the National Guardno, wait, they're all tied up in Iraq." (This was a last minute addition to the speech having been handwritten in while on the flight to Chicago the audience responded well to the technique.)

(Pretending to read from the in-flight magazine:) In 1912, the year the Titanic sank, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But of course the great ship didn't make it to New York and its cargo was lost forever. The people of Mexico, Who were crazy about mayonnaise, were eagerly awaiting its delivery and they were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they observe to this day. (I can hear the audience start to react as they figure it out so I say, "Some of you are reading ahead") The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on this date and is known, of course, as (I pause and the audience recites it along with me) as Sinko de Mayo. You figured out that's not really in Hemispheres, I used that as a prop to distract you from obvious punch-line for as long as possible but Happy Cinco de Mayo to you all.

Joe Majchrowicz heard me speak at his son's graduation from the Russian language course at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California where I was the superintendent for the Air Force students there before retiring almost a year ago. I directly and indirectly fought terrorists while in the Air Force. Terrorists are groups of misguided people bent on causing social disruption even in the society in which they reside. Terrorists need to kill every day. There is a type of terrorist organization however that doesn't kill. Their only objectives seem to be to foment inefficiency and reduce morale. You know what I'm talking about. It's called a school board. (moderately good laugh) Yeah but instead of following the Koran, their holy manuscript is the No Child Left Behind Act. (moderate laughs) These terrorist cells finance their operations through laundered Title 1 appropriations. So now you know where that money goes and my life is probably at risk now for exposing all that. (polite laugh but I can feel myself start to sweat more than I should have under the circumstances)

My congratulations to the 17 of you who are being recognized today on the announcement of your retirements. Thirteen of you submitted short statements regarding your plans for the future. Does that mean the other 4 have no plans? Perhaps they're like the occasional high school graduate who's not sure what he's going to do after graduation or even be when he grows up. (good reaction to this)

(This next paragraph went over poorly with "crickets". I assume that was because they had already been up on stage so to point them out now was redundant. The poor reaction increased the flow of sweat but my suit absorbed it all well) Jo-Anne Bertram plans to enjoy being a new grandma to Jonathan Michael who's nearly two months old. In the summer of 2006 though Jo-Anne is planning to tour with the Grande Prairie Singers. Stephen Racz, retiring after 37 years, intends to rest and relax. Gail Fahey intends to work for DuPage Regional Office of Education. Larry Stein just wants someone to make him an offer. Janice Caruso hopes to travel as long as it doesn't involve any more long car rides. Larry Daker is going to take a year to travel. Gael Kent, while serving as Village President of Bradley, intends to find time for travel, camping, and bike riding. John Fagan's plans are indefinite at this time. Bob Hammon has in mind some non-specific but briskresting, but only after spending the summer doing some strenuousboating.

Anne Noland is already filling up her calendar with retirement activities not the least of which will involve her four grandchildren. She intends to train for stair climbing which will lead to her participation and ultimate victory in the Chicago marathon. Travel with her husband is also on Anne's list as is staying in touch with her friends from the Illinois Association of School Administrators.

If the other retirees are in attendance, I'm sure you'll savor your retirements as much as the others. I hope you'll all be as happy with your decisions to retire as I've been with mine so far. Abraham Lincoln said it well when he said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Oscar Wilde said it in a way I enjoy, "Life is far too important to take seriously" (virtually no reaction from the crowd on this paragraph and I really thought they would relate. More sweat and I'm thinking I'm really bombing)

Joe Majcrovitch thought that the similarities between my experience as superintendent at the Defense Language Institute and all of yours might provide something relevant to share with you today. In preparing my notes and attempting to choose a topic for you I eventually resorted to the Seinfeld Show formula (laugh). The Seinfeld formula endeavors to entertain while placing little emphasis on making any particular point (good laugh). I will try to inform you a bit about The Defense Language Institute because I thought educators might find that interesting. But as long as you feel entertained then perhaps Joe's judgment will be confirmed. (crickets)

I'm a native of Cape Cod, Massachusetts where I attended public schools. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. (good laugh) The kind of stuff some people pay good money for later in life. (even better laugh so I ad lib here: "Joe, I thought you said they were a conservative group?") In high school I was one of those too-bright-for-his-own-good kids and darn sure convinced that college had no place in my future, a misconception I've subsequently corrected, I'm sure you know the type. After receiving a thinly-veiled, charitably-motivated, pre-No Child Left Behind excuse for a high-school diploma, and, after a couple of years as a professional photographer, greater horizons beckoned and a recruiter lied to me (good laugh) so I enlisted in the Air Force in 1975.

Recognizing brilliance, the Air Force taught me electronics, then, demonstrating a remarkable relapse of their own wisdom, they sent me to the Philippines in 1976. Imagine, a 20 year old, walking hormone, having been influenced by the sexual mores of the 1960's, being sent to one of the sex capitals of the world in 1976. I stayed there for eleven years. (big laugh) Eventually I had to get marriedbecause I was exhausted. (good laugh) After a year and a half I collected a permanent souvenir of the Philippines In the form of my wife, Vilma. We've been married for 27 years nowyeah, and she's still complaining. (small laugh).

They call me a "retired" military man now. I do receive a pension already but, as for the concept of retired, I prefer to think of myself as "graduated". So that's the word I'll use when referring to my transition from active duty military. In my 29 years in the Air Force I rose to their top enlisted rank. That rank is called Chief Master Sergeant, conversationally called simply, "Chief". Sounds important doesn't it? "Chief." Like I should have my own tee-pee and peace pipe, or something. But alas again, I hearken back to the 60's. (small laugh)

I graduated with 29 years of military life experience and wonderful adventures traveling the world with far deeper cultural involvement than tourism permits. To which there is no substitute and for which I would trade nothing. The maximum time I could have remained on active duty was 30 years. Many have asked why I didn't stay the one remaining year. I usually test their perception and level of interest in the subject by telling them, "Ahh I decided the military wasn't for me." (good laugh)

Three months ago the Senate passed a resolution designating 2005 as The Year of Languages. In the resolution the Senate eventually concludes several things: First, our 2000 census revealed that only 9.3 percent of Americans speak both their native language and another language fluently while in Europe the bilingual population is 53 percent. The senate resolution also notes that the Elementary and Secondary Education Act of 1965, something I'm sure you're all familiar with, labels foreign language study as vital to securing the future economic welfare of the United States. Paul Simon, former United States Senator from Illinois, (trying to tie it in with the audience) described as a "respected Midwestern liberal" to distinguish him, I suppose, from the disrespected liberals from every other place. (good laugh) Mr. Simon was a strong advocate of language learning. He wrote the book, The Tongue Tied American 25 years ago in which he indicted the United States as a "linguistically malnourished" country. A perhaps notably unfortunate precursor of Mr Simon's 1980 book occurred in Warsaw, Poland in 1977 where a speechwriter for President Jimmy Carter included a line in Polish that went "Koham sham Polski" and means "I desire the Poles carnally." (good laugh) The right way to say what he meant was simply "Koham Polski", or "I love" the Polish people, a decidedly more appropriate and chaste sentiment (good laugh)